From Fear to Freedom
Parenting in Freedom Instead of Fear
When I was pregnant, I thought I wouldn’t be nervous or afraid once my son arrived. But, after his birth the real fear began. After giving birth, I realized I was a “single mother” and the fear and worry came like steady contractions. When I look back upon my coparenting relationship, I realize that my fear drove most of the arguments with my son’s father. Below Ill discuss how fear might be showing up in your relationship and what you can do instead.
1. Afraid I wasn’t going to be enough—So much of the world says women aren’t enough. “A woman can’t teach a boy to be a man…only a man can do that.” Or “a woman needs a man to take care of things.” These statements and several others like them do not help women who are raising children in single headed households. It made me feel insecure and at times desperate for my son’s father to remain involved in our son’s life. These feelings of insecurity and desperation would make me angry if he stopped doing something or hypersensitive to his missteps.
2. Afraid I was going to be alone, Forever- I really believed that being a mom and not being married to my child’s father meant that I would never have another relationship. Growing up, I witnessed several women who broke up with their child’s parent and never have another serious relationship. Moreover, I heard people say that a man won’t raise another man’s child. Thus, I thought that being with my son’s father was the only chance I had at being married or having a “family.” Believing that my son’s father was my only option made me feel angry when he moved on to other relationship. It also made me willing to take him back whenever he decided to come back. This revolving door did not help maintain good boundaries, communication, or a parenting relationship. If I was angry about our “break up” his ability to parent suffered as did mine.
3. Afraid I would be the “Bad Guy”—The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world; thus, if my son’s world is gloomy than it has to be my fault. I was nervous that my son would blame me for his life not turning out the way he envisioned. I believed that I was the sole person responsible for making his life “right,” and if that did not occur, I was a bad person…a bad mother. Who wants to be a bad mother? Thus, I was scared, and I was desperate to share the possibility of blame. Early on, I didn’t want my son’s father involved because I truly believed father’s mattered. I wanted him involved so he could be to blame if something went wrong and that made me try to create lopsided parenting as opposed to equity parenting.
What I learned to do instead:
Well it took several therapy sessions, years, books, and conversations with my village to release those fears and move to a more freedom-based form of parenting. Freedom based parenting shifts your focus from what you don’t have and what could go wrong to what you do have and how you can increase the likelihood of things going right. Here are some freedom parenting hacks that highlight some of the freedoms you have as single parent.
Free to grow your village— There are so many people that want to help you. Once I stopped putting limits on whether it “should be” this person (my son’s family, or my family members), I was able to find friends, parents in my son’s school, colleagues, and extended family members who took a genuine interest in my son and me. As long as they were safe and wanted to be a help to my son and/or me, I was free to invite them into our village and help share the load of raising my son.
Free to try new things and learn as you go— Instead of focusing on my mistakes, I centered on being free to grow and try new things. When I looked at parenting as a growing and learning process, I began to feel comfortable trying new things. I also did not feel as bad if things did not work out the way I had intended. When things did not go as planned, I learned from it and tried a different path. Moreover, as a learning experience, I was allowed to gather resources and talk to people about what worked for them. Parenting was no longer a thing that I had to learn on my own, I was free to learn from others too.
Free to love and be loved in a way that is loving— Whew!! This was a hard one. There is so much discussion about dating as a single mom and whether you should “focus on your child,” or “get your groove on.” Shifting from dating and marriage to love and being loved in a loving way allowed me to welcome love into my life from every direction. If exercising, going out with my friends, dating, or spending time with myself, felt loving, I would do it. The more I centered love, the more love I received and was able to give to myself and my son. (It also helped me find a husband but that is another post!!)
Free to be happy—Misery is not synonymous with parenting. We are free to be happy. Deciding that I could be happy, and a parent was like seeing the ocean for the first time. I felt connected and free. I started doing things that made me happy and that made my son happy. However, I was careful not to think that his happiness was synonymous to my happiness. There were days that my son had bad days and I was still happy. There were also days where I had a bad day but he was still happy. My happiness was my own to create, share, and grow.
Shifting from fear to freedom will take some time; however, we hope that these tips have provided you with a little bit of light on your journey.
