Ready to Date Again
Often after a divorce or breakup, you will seek companionship. Once wounds have healed you will have the desire to date. If you are ready to date, here are some “rules of engagement” that may be helpful.
1. Expect for them to be triggered.
Depending on how your relationship with your coparent concluded, your co-parent can be “shell shocked” or perfectly fine with you moving forward. If the relationship ended and the decision was not mutual, your ex may have a lot of negative feelings about you moving forward. The length of the relationship will also impact your ex’s feelings regarding you dating. Feelings can run deep with a relationship of 10+ years and both co-parents may not on the same timeline in relation to looking for a serious relationship. Moreover, if your relationships was a revolving door….getting together and breaking up….getting together and breaking up, your ex is probably going to have a lot of feelings because they may have expected for you to be returning. Breakups are hard; accepting that a relationship is over and you won’t be married raising a child, is even harder. Thus, give your coparent some space and be prepared for hurt feelings.
2. Communicate to Keep the Peace
It can be tough to discuss who you are dating with an ex but doing so may be helpful for the co-parenting relationship. You do not have to share intimate details, but if you are going to introduce the new beau to your child, you should inform your co-parent as well. Listen to your coparents concerns. Let them know that safety is your top priority, and everyone you date will be vetted. You don’t need your coparent’s approval on who you chose to court. You also don’t need their approval to bring someone around your child; however, keeping them informed helps to keep the peace. It also creates a more harmonious environment for your child.
3. Pack Light
In the words of Erykah Badu, “pack light….one day all them bags gon’ get in your way.” To pack light in your new relationship, you need to address all emotional and physical baggage from your previous relationship. Any timeshares, credit cards, vehicles, leases, debt, and property (etc., etc., etc.) that you shared with your ex should be sold, transferred or closed. All of your personal items should be removed from your coparent’s residence. Cut all ties…even if having them are “convenient.” Having this type of baggage with your ex all but guarantees complicating the relationship with your new love interest. Look at it from your new beau’s point of view. Would YOU want to start a relationship as the third wheel, or build a life together around such parameters? New partners have to accept that you have a child, that you have a huge financial obligation, and that you have a major time commitment; they should not have to accept that you have unfinished business with your ex too.
4. Personal Boundaries
In the words of Notorious B.I.G., this “shoulda been number 1 to me.” I cannot overstate the need for appropriate personal boundaries in your co-parenting relationship. To have healthy new relationships, you must have very clear coparenting boundaries in place with your coparent. While, you are family—in that you have a child/children together, you should be able to separate between what is needed for the child and what is not. Your boundaries should allow each of you enough space to develop new relationships. Coparents should think long and hard about spending holidays together, being in close and closed proximity together, and doing anything that makes it appear as if you are still a couple (this includes physical intimacy). A good rule of thumb is, “If I married a partner would I be okay if my new spouse did this with their ex.” For example, if you are not okay with your new wife’s ex-husband spending the night at YOUR house for Christmas, you should not spend the night at your child’s mother house. If you aren’t okay with your new husband driving HIS child’s mother to back to school night, you should not ask to ride with YOUR child’s father to back to school night. Create coparenting boundaries that can last regardless of your and your coparent’s new relationship status. Because boundaries are a sticky topic, we will write several posts related to them. Coparenting is a business and the more professional you keep it, the better able you will be able to parent.
There is no easy way to begin dating as coparent because every co-parenting relationship is different. However, following these guidelines can make your transition to a new love a lot easier for the entire village. Remember you are a parent that means you are responsible for providing a loving, safe and nurturing environment to your child/children. Children deserve to be loved, spoiled and made a priority. You, TOO deserve to be loved and spoiled as well. When you find that special person who feeds your spirit, your co-parenting relationship should never prevent you from nurturing and developing that new relationship to its full potential.
