Parents are Different
Coparents are different people; thus, they are going to parent differently. We are going to go over some ways that research says, moms and dads parent differently. By understanding that these differences occur in other parenting relationships, we hope that you do not take the differences within your coparenting relationship as personal attacks. (All data comes from a 2015 Pew Research study of 1800 parents)
1. Dads are more lenient while moms are more overprotective: 68% moms describe themselves as overprotective compared to only 54% of dads. While only 19% moms say they are the type of parent who sometimes gives too much freedom, 33% of dads indicated they give too much freedom.
Thus, it is okay if one parent is stricter or more lenient than the other. This occurs in married relationships too. Together these dynamics may balance out. Be careful not to make too much of these differences.
2. Fathers may feel like they criticize too much: Among all parents, somewhat more say they criticize too much (44%) than praise too much (33%), and this is especially the case among dads. About half (49%) of dads say they sometimes criticize their kids too much, while 29% say they sometimes offer too much praise.
For anyone who wants to work on praising more, try the two for one deal. For every criticism, give your child two compliments. Try to make the compliments honest and thoughtful. I like how you are listening more. I saw how you helped your brother yesterday, and I really appreciate it. Everyone likes compliments, including our children.
3. Fathers may take their children’s success or failure more personal. Fathers are somewhat more likely to say their children’s successes and failure mostly reflect the job they are doing as parents (47%) than they are to say they reflect the kids’ own strengths and weaknesses (40%). Moms were equally likely to see their children’s successes and failures related to their job as a parent and the child’s own strengths and abilities (44% for both).
When we see our child’s outcomes related to our parenting abilities, we may take their journeys too personal. When things are personal, it is easy for us to feel attacked, to feel the need to interfere, or to feel bad when things aren’t going the way we want. All of these feelings may make coparenting harder. Thus, we need to understand that success is a complicated formula and while it includes our parenting behaviors, it also includes our children’s natural abilities. Go easy on yourself and your child(ren).
4. Moms are going to use more online resources and family members to learn about parenting. Roughly a third of mothers (32%) say they often rely on family members for advice, while only 19% of fathers say they do the same. The gender gap is also large when it comes to friends. Roughly one-in-five mothers (21%) say they often turn to friends for advice about raising their children, and an additional 38% of moms say they sometimes do this. By comparison, 8% of dads say they often lean on friends for parenting advice, and 33% say they sometimes do. Three-in-ten dads say they never get parenting advice from friends (31% vs. 18% of moms).
Lastly, mothers (43%) are almost twice as likely as fathers (23%) to say they often or sometimes turn to parenting websites, books or magazines for advice. More than half of dads (56%) say they never use these types of resources for parenting advice, compared with 34% of moms. Mothers are more than twice as likely as fathers to say that they turn to online message boards, listservs or social media at least sometimes for advice on raising their kids (21% of moms vs. 9% of dads).
Because moms may use more resources and family members for advice, it is important to ensure that these advisors are reliable and well balanced (enter soulfulcoparenting.com). Moreover, dads may base their parenting decisions on their feelings or advice from their spouse (new partner). Regardless of where and how you receive parenting advice, it is important that both parents are willing to discuss their opinions and share helpful resources with each other.
Parenting means there will be differences in how each parent engages with the child. Coparenting is about understanding and accepting the differences about our coparent in order to best raise our children. Assuming that the differences we see relate to our coparent’s feelings towards us, may make us feel attacked.
This article highlights only a few of the unique gender differences in parenting behaviors and expectations. Researchers suggest there are several more gender differences in parenting. We hope that everyone is able to overcome their differences in order to create a stable and happy environment for their child(ren).
