Peace of Mind
Nothing is more freeing than peace. While most people say they are willing to do anything for peace, too often they aren’t willing to change. Below we offer five simple behavior changes that may bring more peace in your co-parenting relationship.
Communicate about all necessary information
I have met many parents that say, “If he/she wanted to know they would talk to me…” Huhmmm. Some parents don’t communicate because the communication is always tense and argumentative. Most people prefer to avoid conflict and arguments. Thus, communications can cease not because of lack of interest in the child but rather because of the parent’s desire to have peace. Opening up the lines of communication are easy in today’s multimedia world. Sending email updates bimonthly about the child’s progress in school, sports, health, etc. is easy and can be sent to all interested parties (grandparents, aunts, friends, and your co-parent!) Inquiring about the child’s progress can also be sent via email. It is very difficult for people to write argumentative emails.
Say OKAY.
How many arguments can be stopped if we release our grip on the parenting strings? Too many co-parents argue about things that do not directly affect the safety and welfare of the child. “He wants me to drop the child off over his house…Why can’t he pick him up?” “She wants me to bring the child back by 6 instead of 8?” In all negotiations, you can’t lose sight of the big picture and the big picture for any parent is to raise a healthy and happy child. If you keep your eye on that prize, saying, “Okay” to some requests by your co-parent will become easy.
Clarify your parenting expectations for YOURSELF.
Iyanla Vanzant during a radio interview mentioned that she did not always engage in Conscious Parenting. I was maybe 2 ½ years into parenting my son when I heard that interview. I thought to myself that I needed to become a conscious parent. I went home and wrote down all of my expectations I had for myself as a mother. I thought about what type of son I wanted to raise. I thought about the male role models in my life. I thought about the relationship and love that created him. I decided right then and there what my expectations of me as a mother were. Once I focused on me, the score card that most parents keep (you know the one that always shows you’re a better parent than your ex) vanished or greatly dimmed. It’s hard to focus on what someone else isn’t doing when you are preoccupied on stepping up your own skills. (What was that song…something about a Man in Mirror)
Say Thank You.
Appreciation is a miracle worker. One drop has been known to cure the hardest edges. And guest what…..IT’S FREE! (insert Victor Cruz salsa dance or any other touchdown dance). Why should you say thank you? Because it works! The best way to increase a desired behavior is to reward it. Moreover, the main gripe I hear from a co-parent is that they feel underappreciated. “She acts like I am deadbeat.” “He doesn’t know how hard I work to make this happen.” While your other co parent may never fully meet your expectations of them, when they do something right, acknowledge it. Make sure your child presents them with cards or homemade gifts on Father’s/Mother’s day and their birthday. Everybody wants and needs to feel special and teaching your child to be appreciative of their parent is an added benefit to improving your co-parenting relationship.
Recognize the real enemy.
Being a psychologist affords me many opportunities; however, not all of them are positive. I often hear of some horrible tragedies that children have endured. Thus, it amazes me when two people who are protectors and providers of the same child act as if each other are enemies. If we as parents were aware of how many real threats are present in our child’s life, we would be more amicable with our partner in parenting because we would know that every village needs as many willing people to help in raising this child.
With just these little shifts, you may be able to bring more peace into your coparenting journey.
